It's been so long since I posted on here that I actually need to go back and check to see what the last thing I posted even was! I'm pretty sporadic at blogging, although I do write notes down about my days fairly regularly. So bear with me. There are a lot of memories that I wish to store here from over the last few months and they may come in a gush, a stream, or a pathetic drizzle. They may not even come in order. Sometimes it's just easier to post whatever is coming to mind in that moment before it flees back into the netherworld of chaos that is my memory. 

Curvily Yours 2.2

Today was our second day of movement training and I am definitely starting to feel it. Although playing 1.5 soccer games last night after a full day of movement may not have been the best idea. I did enjoy it though so no regrets. Today was emotional for a lot. For me I am just hoping moment to moment that my strength holds up. I kept myself motivated during the tricks that I was having trouble with by keeping in mind this is just a jumping off point. It's hard not to put ego into it thinking that well I have been here the longest surely I should be able to do everything perfectly by now.

I have to remind myself to not view the room in a masculine competitive way. But in a supportive everyone is amazing kind of way. 

curvily yours: week 1.3

Tough day three...I thought I had said all their was to say and then found out there was so much more that I cannot even begin to put words to.

Losing my shit. Falling into plain view going nowhere not coming full circle.

sigh, after such a rough day I have a headache the size of mount rushmoor and I just want the music to stop, want our company to go home. want to get out and into my head, my heart. pounding resistance between my eyes. when will I learn acceptance. of all that she is. I fell out of class tonight wrapped my arms around my EC best friend and sobbed. I don't think I have felt that miserable during class in a long long time. stuck and stagnant. nothing working. but following Ms Suave's guidance as i try to find my way into my body, my heart. do i live in sadness, i want to jump ahead and just figure it out. but i cannot think my way there. and these days i can't even put words to what I am actually feeling when I dance. Other than an unbearable tightness locked just at the bottom of my ribs. in my sternum almost. so much frustration in not being able to read into it. explain it.

i feel like she doesn't want to accept her limitations anymore than i do. find a way to be private while still being seen. allowing others to witness...

breathing deeply did not come easily or maybe even at all today. my dance was..lacking. Lacking in release mainly.

Curvily Yours: 1.2 My Tuesday.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck  fuck fuck.......deep well of emotion coiled into a snake of tension in my back and my chest and my head trying to comprehend and release but finding no channels no freeway to find my way home to there. that place where it all makes sense where nothing and anything can happen to. within. your body and dimension. That place where I can breathe deep and fall into a pit a of despair .Where I can be heard and seen. been.

Authenticity and real in my meal of deal and rhyming wheel. spiel. Connect. disconnect. run cry hide, find answers in the been and why.