Curvily Yours: Class #1

That's right my friends, yours truly finally officially started back at her pole classes. It was a very interesting experience. Kind of like starting at a new school. My class still has a few of my girls in it. But there are a lot of new faces to get used to. New energies to figure out. One of the girls who is "new" to my class is one of my life long pole friends. She and I took classes together in the very beginning and all through the middle. Sadly Ms Soarer and I haven't been in the same class for probably about 4 years. Sure we have had run-ins over that time. A make-up class together here and there, chance meetings at our studios dance-a-thons. But it's different, and frankly we both dance completely different than we did 4 years ago. So the next few weeks will be a learning curve for me. Finding my place in the class. Meeting new ladies. On a happy note, my body is stronger than I thought it would be. I didn't do anything too crazy. But I can tell that the strength in my arms has returned as well.

For my dance I chose one of the studios suggested songs for the week "Underneath" by Adam Lambert. I wasn't sure with this being my first dance back, just how it would go. Would I love the song? Hate it? Would I be able to connect?



I'm happy to say that although initially I didn't really feel myself sinking into the song, eventually the annoyance and anger at the song built to a level that I was able to let it out. So it was unexpectedly a great dance for me. A bit all over the place and I felt like I had so much to say I wasn't even sure what to let out first! Fortunately, I don't do a whole lot of thinking while I dance, so most of that was subconscious. It was great to be back. I'm looking forward to my next class, but I might just wait until my regular class time next week to take it. Trying really hard not to push myself too fast. Not an easy feat since I just want to go, go, GO! I love being active again. It felt exquisite to move and bend and stretch my body. To feel the rhythms and beats pouring through my soul. It's good to be home. 

Not just the hair

For the past few weeks it seems as if everyone and their mother has commented on my haircut. Which by the way is the same haircut I have had since November. Only it grew out a bit and I just had it reshaped. 

No, no people, it's not just the haircut that you are reacting to. You're also reacting to the fact that I have lost 17.8 lbs since Martin Luther King Day. My face is thinner, I'm overall a lot leaner and THAT is why you currently are amazed at how awesome I look! Nope, definitely not just the haircut. 

But thanks for all the compliments just the same :) They really do make a girl's day! 

Honey Walks

Monday, Oct 1, 2012
Yay for evening walks with the Honey. I love that Mr Mine is home again. Although it has taken some getting used to for both of us. We got in a 3.1 mile walk tonight after dinner. Which is alot for us these days! I managed to get in a total of 8,202 steps today which is a record since I have been injured. I've been trying to strive for 5,000 steps for the past month but I only reached that goal six times in 30 days. Most days I got in only 2,500. So it was a good way to start off the month of October. I'm going to try to hit at least my 5,000 step goal every day this month. Which will be nice if it means that every night I get to walk with Mr Mine. I use a pedometer app called Accupedo Pro on my phone which counts my steps and then I also use the Runtastic app to double check how far I have gone. And then because I am a little crazy I triple check it by using the Gmap-Pedometer.

Broken Dependency

It hurts me when I tell people that I want to hang out with them and that my schedule is completely open and then they never contact me. Maybe I am trying to hang out with the wrong type of people. Maybe people just assume that I am busy or that by the time they have free time that I will have made other plans. Or maybe people just forget about me altogether.

At any rate, something has to change. I am depressed and lonely. I am so tired of being limited by this accident in my day to day life. There is so much I want to do and can't. I try to focus on the things that I can do, but I find myself completely unmotivated. Mired in a dark hole, despairing I lay in bed and read sometimes good books, but more often than not trashy romance novels. Which just seem to increase my feeling of loneliness.

This hasn't gotten better even though Mr Mine is now finally back on normal working hours. I was spending most of my free time with Mrs Bokeh for the past few weeks and the loneliness was subsiding, but now her niece has moved in with her and most contact with her has ceased. I know that it is family and that she is helping her get settled in, but I can't help feeling abandoned. I feel weak saying that. Admitting that I needed someone that much. I don't think of myself as a co-dependent person, but things like this just throw my dependency in my face. The reality that I am not ok being by myself, that I need help. I don't want to be miserable when I am alone. And sometimes I do enjoy it, crave it, need it even, but more often than not I am happier with a companion.

I know that in part this is why me getting a full time job would be good for me. Because I would be around people all day. I think I am just scared. Scared of failing. Scared that my design skills aren't good enough, that I don't know enough, that I am too much out of the loop, that I was never really in the loop to begin with, that my back won't be strong enough for a full day, that this is what my life is going to be like for the rest of my life, that I will always and forever be broken and incapable of doing the things that I have grown to love. Just yesterday after I had lunch with Mrs Verve I threw myself into an Anthropologie shopping frenzy trying on half the store. My back started to ache and I'm sure that all the bending over to put things on and take things off wasn't very good for it. It pained me the rest of the day and once I got home I knew that I needed to lie down and just not do anything for the rest of the night. All over a few hours of shopping. Even just sitting here and writing this my back has started to ache. How am I supposed to sit working for hours at a computer if my back starts aching after only half an hour? This is partially why I am still so far behind. Blogging even has become physically taxing and editing photos, well it seems that I can only manage a few images ( if that) a day. And that's only if I am laying in bed.

I don't want to be beaten by this, but it is so hard not to feel defeated. I know that "you only fail when you quit" but this seems to be something that I can't even "try" at. It's all about having patience and just trying NOT to do certain things. I waver constantly between determination and resignation. I have gained back 16 lbs since the accident and that weighs heavily on my heart. I was doing ok walking with Mrs Bokeh, but we just stopped doing it and I can't seem to motivate myself to do it alone. I know that it's really as easy as just walking out my front door. But I find most days even that seems like an extremely daunting task.

On top of this Mr Mine and I had been trying to start a family when this accident occurred. We had been putting it off for one reason or another for the past 6-8 months. Waiting for me to lose the weight and to get my cholesterol under control. Since I had lost almost 30 lbs we decided that we had waited long enough. We even went to the store and bought ovulation strips. Only a few weeks later this accident occurred and once again our endeavors have been put on hold. I don't talk about this with people because I have so many mixed feelings about it. But I think I am mainly on a low simmering anger. Angry that we finally had made the committment only to have it put off again. Angry that time will not stop and that I just keep getting older. Angry that I am unsure as to whether or not we can even have a kid. I seem to be afraid that I just won't be able to at all and now I feel like I will have to wait till next year to even try again. Another 6 months of worrying about something I cannot control. On top of everything else that I cannot control.

Being a bit of a control freak, it's no wonder I feel like I am going a bit mad. I know that things will get better it's just hard to stay positive all the time.  

Limp A Long

The tried and true if at first you don't succeed try, try again. So my first week of Round 2 did not go very well. On my third day I caved at the sight of a very poorly timed pizza. I won't name names, but sometimes I am not my own worst nemesis. But that does not excuse that I pretty much ate what I wanted the rest of the weekend. Deciding that I would start again on Monday. Which I succeeded doing to a point. I was foiled by poor preparation. You see, when you are working on being Lean for Life, you should always have low carb fruits handy. Mainly your trusty watermelon, and if possible papaya as these two have a very low carb count. I unfortunately only had apples and grapefruit. Which both have more than twice as many carbs as watermelon. Also I made the mistake of tallying up what I had eaten towards the end of the day instead of figuring out a eating plan in the morning. So my carb count on Monday was...high. I also started eating really late, and I was way over my carb count by 4pm and still starving. At which point I hate to say it, I threw in the towel and ate not only the leftover Indian food we had in our fridge but also an entire hershey bar (and a half). Take that eating habit! I don't know why I decide to make myself suffer for being ill prepared. But there you have it. The only upside was that when I got on the scale on Monday morning I had still lost .9lbs. I hope that this week will be more productive than that!

On a happier note, I set my alarm this morning and got up at a good time. Then I went on a grocery run and bought plenty of watermelon AND papaya as well as a bunch of protein which I promptly cooked when I got home so that I will have no excuses for the next day or so! Today I am on track and it feels so much better.

Now if only I can add my exercise back in....

Lean for Life: Weight Loss Phase Round 2

So today was my first day of Round 2. So far it is going well and I have been eating my meals on time. The first four days consist of all protein. This is to help jumpstart your metabolism. So starting at 8am and every 2 hours until 8pm I have a serving of protein. This can really be rough your first time around and I really don't recommend leaving the house on the first day if you can help it. So if you work all week then I would start on a weekend. If you do leave the house make sure that you pack several emergency snacks just in case you end up being out longer than you thought. I cannot tell you how many times this happened and I was grateful that I was prepared.

THE STATS
Current Weight: 173.9 lbs
Goal Weight: 145 lbs (They always tell you to dream big :)

Current Measurements:
Chest - 40.5"
Waist - 34.5"
Abdomen - 38.25"
Hips - 39"
Thigh - 25.5"
Total Inches: 177.75

And just to give you an idea of just how far I have come:
Chest - 41.5
Waist - 36.5
Abdomen - 41
Hips - 42
Thigh -27.25
Total Inches: 188.25

I've lost a total of 10.5" overall even with my accident. Sadly I was actually down another 6" before my accident, but I am determined that I will soon lose that again.

If you don't want visual scarring don't scroll down.....
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Here is what I look like on Day 1! Let's DO This!

Because it keeps me honest. Please notice my trusty shadow, always by my side.

From Here to There

When I first started the Lean for Life plan I was determined and organized and basically had the theme song "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now!" playing in the background of my life. The assisted program lasted a full six weeks (Weight Loss Phase) and once that six weeks was done they requested I do a two week Metabolic Adjustment Phase (MAP). Essentially this resets your metabolism so that your body becomes comfortable at your current weight. The result is that once you restart the Weight Loss Phase you should only gain weight back up to the last MAP weight.

So I started out at 194.5lbs. I finished my first 6 weeks of the Weight Loss Phase at 169lbs. My metabolic adjustment weight would then become 169lbs after staying at that same weight for two weeks straight.

The hardest part for me about going into the MAP was that it required me to eat twice as much protein. Forcing myself to eat more food after being so rigid about what I was eating was really hard. It felt like I was forcing myself to fail. I had been doing so well on the weight loss that I didn't want to stop!

I ended up floundering a bit during the MAP phase. I just couldn't get myself to eat more food for the first week. So I continued to lose weight. Once I was down to 166lbs I forced myself to try the MAP phase properly.

This became tough and easy. The tough part was eating more of the right things. I ended up going off my eating plan completely. Because I was also working out so much I ended up keeping my weight the same and it wasn't until my accident that it all went completely south.

Actually I was doing pretty well until I started going out with friends and eating only two-three decadent meals a day. I made a lot of bad eating choices, even jumping back on the yummy dessert train. After I stepped on the scale a week ago and realized that I had regained well past my MAP weight, a decision to change was in order.

The problem I am having, is sticking to that decision. So I have been revisiting my Lean for Life book. Resetting my goals, and writing out my list of positive affirmations. I have a brand new LFL workbook to start writing everything down in. So tomorrow I will be officially starting my next Weight Loss Phase. In truth I tried to start last week, but fell apart because my resolve wasn't completely set. But tomorrow is the day. I know it would probably be easier to start AFTER all the upcoming 4th of July parties, but you never know how strong you are without a little bit of a challenge right? So here we go, wish me luck! I'll post my official weight tomorrow morning to kick off the week. If anyone else wants to try with me give me a call or shoot me a msg/email and I'll give you the details of how to start!

Curvily Yours: Oh How I've Missed the Bruises

So aside from a few muscle complaints and some adorable little bruises I don't seem much the worse for wear today. Woohoo! Yay for being able to do SOME form of exercise!

The fifteen minutes on the elliptical the other day actually seemed to be a lot rougher on me than my class. I find that odd. Or maybe it's because my class is mostly stretching but covers all muscle groups. I'll have to test that theory. I'm so excited to be able to take my classes again. 

Curvily Yours: Confessions

Ok, I admit it. I went to a pole class today for the first time since my accident. Did my doctor tell me it was ok? No, I just couldn't stand not going. And frankly, it felt fantastic. I've missed the movement, the freeing of muscles and limbs. There is just something about being able to feel each of your muscles interacting, engaging, stretching, pulling, pushing, that just makes you feel alive. That you are more than just breathe in a space. That we are not just here, just being. That we are meant to move, to do things. To become bigger and fuller. It is raw energy and release. And I love it, crave it. Cannot get enough of the feeling of power that comes over you. Power and strength coupled with vulnerability and trust. And it's not about anyone else, but you. You, and your body.

It was nice to feel reconnected. To be able to embrace my current limitations and move through some and around others. This injury has had me so detached from my body it has been extremely depressing. It was good to be home. It was great to see some of my girls as well. I have missed them and even though they have been texting and emailing. Hugs in person still just can't be replaced!

This song seemed very fitting for my first dance back...



My dance was delicious, it felt just like one gigantic stretch and yawn. Just what I needed today.

Positive Affirmations

One of the big things that Lean for Life taught me was the power of mind over matter. A huge part of your success when you are making life changes is your mental state. So in light of this they place a big emphasis on daily positive affirmations.

Here are just a few examples:

1. I can do this.

2. Never give up.

3.You never lose until you stop trying.

4. Never let yesterday use up too much of today - One of my personal favorites

5. Nothing great was ever accomplished without enthusiasm

6. You must do the things that you cannot

7. It's never too late to be who you might have been

8. The will to conquer is the first condition of victory

9. I respect my own uniqueness

10. I am a creative and talented human being - I like to change this one to I am a creative, talented, fabulous human being.

11. I am unlimited.

12. Success is living the life you want.

13. I am the master of my destiny.

14. Don't wait, the time will never be just right.

15. I deserve to be happy.

Since reading about these I've been applying them to many places in my life. When I am at the gym, when I am at the dentist, or anytime I just feel "not ok". I have found that just repeating to myself that "I am ok" can calm me down almost immediately. I am constantly amazed how much power my mind has over my body. I mean, I understand the fundamentals that the brain sends signals through nerves and all that. But I just never really utilized the simple power of thought.

So the next time someone tells you to "Think Positive". Give it a try, you never know what the outcome will be!

Lean For Life: Week 4 Ch-Ch-Changes

Left: 11.25.11/ Right: 03.19.12

Time may change me, but I can definitely have an effect on what those changes are! The photo on the left was taken by a friend of mine at her Thanksgiving party. This is what I looked like when I started the Lean for Life program the end of February. The self-portrait on the right was taken just 4 weeks later in Oaxaca, Mexico.

Days: 30
Weight: 176 lbs
Weight Difference: 19 lbs
Inches Lost: 15.5

Lean For Life: The Ten Reasons

So part of why I like the Lean for Life program is because they heavily address the mental side of weight loss in their book. Along with giving you tools to work with such as positive affirmations, which I will go into at a later date and your list of reasons.

So they suggest you make a list of five reasons that you want to lose weight. Once you've made that list, make copies of it and put them EVERYWHERE. In the car, in your purse, on your dresser, by the computer, in the kitchen, etc.

So because I am being an overachiever on this program here is my List of 10 Reasons:

1. I will be healthier for the baby. I'm not pregnant yet but I want to be.

2. I will live longer. Yes I know things can happen but when they do I want to look damn good.

3. I will feel sexier. It's hard to fully love your body when you don't feel like yourself.

4. I will be smaller than Mr Mine. Since we first met I have always been at least 10 lbs heavier than my husband if not 20 or 25.

5. I will spend less time worrying and more time enjoying

6. My ankles and shins won't hurt. I play a lot of sports and being lighter on my feet can only be a blessing.

7. I will stop being jealous of my friends. I have a lot of slender figured friends who I am continually envious of.

8. My dad will stop making weight comments and lectures. This is probably wishful thinking, but a reason nonetheless.

9. I'll be able to workout harder. Less weight = more pull-ups. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

10. I will be able to fit into "The Red Dress". Which is a dress I bought from Free People a year or so ago and have been unable to fit into as of yet!

And there you have it. I think they are a good start and definitely make me feel motivated everytime I look at them. Which of course, is the point. 

Lean for Life: Week 1

So a few of you have heard that I started a new program this week. Several months ago I bought a Groupon for a 6 week weight loss program through Lindora Medical Clinics. The program is medically supported and run by doctors and nurses.

I made my appointment last friday to have my first consultation. Where they explained about the programs ins and outs. This is not just a six week weight loss program. Similar to Atkins and South Beach and several other diets out there it is supposed to be a life change, not just a mini adventure. They weighed me and determined my BMI. Which on friday I was 194.9lbs and my BMI was at 38%. Bad and Bad, anything over 25% is considered Overweight. Anything over 30% is considered Obese.

Truthfully it's been so long since I was at a normal BMI I've forgotten what it looks like. When I look in the mirror sometimes I think that I look ok. I've always been one of those woman who imagines herself skinnier than she really is. Which you'd think would be a good thing, but it makes it very hard to motivate myself to lose weight. And in short, the extra weight is slowly killing me. It's abusing my joints, arteries, and organs. Not to mention you get tired of buying new clothes just because the old favorites don't FIT anymore.

So back to Lindora, they base their program on you personally. Friday, I had blood drawn so they could run tests to check my vitamin count and my cholesterol, hormones, etc. Monday I went in for my official consultation with the Doctor. Who talked to me about my eating habits, my exercise habits, and how I have been feeling. He made several recommendations as far as additional vitamins I should be taking. Which actually lined up nicely with what my General Practicioner had told me. I have to track everything that I eat daily, but instead of counting calories I am counting carbs. The first four days were Protein Days, then I started on the regular eating plan. The reason they have you start out with those first four days is that they want you to jump start your metabolism. Besides the counting of carbs I am also peeing on a indicator stick that shows whether my body is burning fat. Based on the color of the indicator stick the nurse in my weigh-ins adjusts the amount of carbs that I am allowed to have. Also it lets you know if something you ate had too many carbs for your body to handle.

Additionally, I get a shot of vitamin B whenever I go to weigh in, which can be anytime during the week as long as I go in twice. Or I can pay extra and get a Booster shot, which is a much higher dose of vitamin B. The Booster shots are not very pleasant to get but are great for boosting your mood and help with water retention.

I've lost a total of 3.5 inches and 10.9 lbs so far. Crazy as that sounds. Wooohoo yay for the weight finally coming off!

Weight Loss 101

Well it's about that time when I start freaking out about my weight. Actually, what am I saying it's been a constant burden for the last oh, 6 years or so. To cut to the quick I overeat often which is one of my biggest challenges. So today I signed up for the Gold Membership on Livestrong and now I can keep track of my calories AND my nutrients.

Since seeing the fantastic Dr. Linda a month and a half ago I was made aware that I have high cholesterol. Which I suppose since I am overweight shouldn't have been a great shock to me. I know I know, blah blah you should eat better and exercise more right? Well what happens when you are already exercising 5-6 days a week? At least I was at the time I was told about the cholesterol thing. Talk about being slightly frustrated. I'm officially getting back on the exercise wagon knee injury and all. As per a friend's wise suggestions I decided to update my goal weight so that they are much smaller steps. Otherwise I might feel like I am not making progress. Which, I have a feeling would end up making me quit before I've even really begun. And we definitely don't want that right?