Curvily Yours: 1.2 My Tuesday.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck  fuck fuck.......deep well of emotion coiled into a snake of tension in my back and my chest and my head trying to comprehend and release but finding no channels no freeway to find my way home to there. that place where it all makes sense where nothing and anything can happen to. within. your body and dimension. That place where I can breathe deep and fall into a pit a of despair .Where I can be heard and seen. been.

Authenticity and real in my meal of deal and rhyming wheel. spiel. Connect. disconnect. run cry hide, find answers in the been and why.

Curvily Yours: The end of Day 1.1

Home at last, what a long day. It didn't seem long though. I think I was just hyper aware of actually being there today. It seems surreal that I am in Teacher Training at all.

To be here today is amazing to me on so many levels. Especially after last years utter disappointment. On top of the back injury, which I actually spoke to in class today. I seem to almost choke on emotion when talking about such things. In that first instant it totally overwhelms me and I find it hard to breath. I find my body racked with unexpected sobs. It makes me wonder where I keep all of that sadness. I suppose my teacher would say "in your curves".

Afterwards a girl asked me "why do you think you got choked up about it". I don't remember what I responded to her. But honestly, it was traumatic. The fall, the aftermath, the recovery. Wondering if I would ever get back to where I was. Coming into it from such a place of strength and final understanding and then losing it all. This mainly has been bringing up all of the walls that I am struggling with in my own journey.

Curvily Yours: First Day

Our secret society awaits. As I see the light reflected on my dash. I realize that my choice of outfit today is perfectly me. Comfy, casual, sporty, sparkly. 

This is real, it is not a dream. here's pride awareness tears journey is officially begin  and I am sparkling on the way there. on my way there with every breath galaxy of lights play across the visor, dash, and steering wheel of my car.

Curvily Yours: Prepping for Teacher Training

Over the past few days I have been hunting and gathering for all things necessary to start my new adventure tomorrow. I hit up target, victoria's secret, mika yogawear, and then target again.

On the docket...warm comfies, journals, and some workout wear.

I was just discussing tomorrow with one of my fellow trainees. I was saying how it kind of felt like the first day of school. Picking out your outfit for the day, getting your supplies together, feeling a bit nervous. And she stated how she felt a little like we were joining a sorority or a secret society.

It does feel a little like we are training to be in the insider's club. Learning all of the secrets.

I'm feeling just...I'm not sure how I am feeling. Excited, a bit nervous. A bit ambivalent. Maybe even a little disbelieving.

Curvily Yours: Super Pole 1

Now that I am back in class I thought it would be good to start taken supplemental lower level classes to help build my strength. So I took a Super Pole class for levels 1-2. Where we would work on the most elementary of tricks. None of the flipping upside down stuff that has my family freaked out. It was an awesome workout. Although since there were two poles and only two of us attending the class my shoulder started wearing out towards the end. Good thing I had a four hour break between the Super Pole Class and my regular class...

I love working on pole tricks. It's like flying. It's like playing on the swings but on steroids because you are using your own strength to control your speed and height. 

Curvily Yours: Class #2

It really is strange being back in my "home" class and only knowing a few other people in it. Tonight was especially unnerving because the only girl I really knew was my old-time gal Ms Soarer. There were a few other girls that I had met recently. One being the girl who went through all my paperwork with me to sign back up for classes. The other, a girl who had been in the same teacher training tryouts as me.

I've been having a hard time reconnecting to class, maybe because my expectations and the reality of class are very different spaces. I remember someplace, warm, welcoming, and safe. But this new class hasn't lived up to that yet. With different girls in class each week it's hard to garner the support and camaraderie that I am not only used to, but expect to be there. I did enjoy our warm-up, but the pole conversations that we had felt one sided. And once again Ms Soarer was paired with me and another girl. I don't think this combo is working very well and I think I will have a chat with Mrs Suavity about it before class next week.

My personal dance this week was to Waiting for the End by Linkin Park.



It was interesting. Again, I could feel the frustration mounting throughout the song. There were moments when I broke free of it, but they felt fleeting. I think that it stemmed from having injured me ankle this past Sunday and feeling as though I can't trust my body. Not that it was actually my body's fault for once.

So many things to work out. Lots of mental merry-go-rounds pulsing through my head. I suppose to that end the lyrics of this song were fairly fitting.

This is not the end,This is not the beginning,Just a voice like a riotRocking every revisionBut you listen to the toneAnd the violent rhythm,Though the words sound steady,Something empty's within 'em,
We say "Yeah!"With fists flying up in the air,Like we're holding onto somethingThat's invisible there,'Cause we're living at the mercy ofThe pain and the fearUntil we dead it, forget it,Let it all disappear.
Waiting for the end to come...Wishing I had strength to stand...This is not what I had planned...It's out of my control....
Flying at the speed of lifeThoughts were spinning in my head.So many things were left unsaid.It's hard to let you go...
(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,I know how it feels to lie,All I wanna doIs trade this life for something new,Holding on to what I haven't got
Sitting in an empty roomTrying to forget the pastThis was never meant to last,I wish it wasn't so...
(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,I know how it feels to lie,All I wanna doIs trade this life for something newHolding on to what I haven't got!
What was left when the fire was gone?I thought I found right but that right was wrong.All caught up in the eye of the storm.I'm trying to figure out what it's like - moving on.And I don't even know what kind of things I've said,My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead.So picking up the pieces, now, where to begin?The hardest part of ending is starting all again.
All I wanna doIs trade this life for something new,Holding on to what i haven't got!..
This is not the end,This is not the beginning,Just a voice like a riotRocking every revisionBut you listen to the toneAnd the violet rhythm,Though the words sound steady,Something empty's within 'em(Holding on to what I haven't got!)
We say "Yeah!"With fists flying up in the air,Like we're holding onto somethingThat's invisible there,'Cause we're living at the mercy ofThe pain and the fearUntil we get it, forget it,Let it all disappear!(Holding on to what I haven't got!) 

Curvily Yours: Class #1

That's right my friends, yours truly finally officially started back at her pole classes. It was a very interesting experience. Kind of like starting at a new school. My class still has a few of my girls in it. But there are a lot of new faces to get used to. New energies to figure out. One of the girls who is "new" to my class is one of my life long pole friends. She and I took classes together in the very beginning and all through the middle. Sadly Ms Soarer and I haven't been in the same class for probably about 4 years. Sure we have had run-ins over that time. A make-up class together here and there, chance meetings at our studios dance-a-thons. But it's different, and frankly we both dance completely different than we did 4 years ago. So the next few weeks will be a learning curve for me. Finding my place in the class. Meeting new ladies. On a happy note, my body is stronger than I thought it would be. I didn't do anything too crazy. But I can tell that the strength in my arms has returned as well.

For my dance I chose one of the studios suggested songs for the week "Underneath" by Adam Lambert. I wasn't sure with this being my first dance back, just how it would go. Would I love the song? Hate it? Would I be able to connect?



I'm happy to say that although initially I didn't really feel myself sinking into the song, eventually the annoyance and anger at the song built to a level that I was able to let it out. So it was unexpectedly a great dance for me. A bit all over the place and I felt like I had so much to say I wasn't even sure what to let out first! Fortunately, I don't do a whole lot of thinking while I dance, so most of that was subconscious. It was great to be back. I'm looking forward to my next class, but I might just wait until my regular class time next week to take it. Trying really hard not to push myself too fast. Not an easy feat since I just want to go, go, GO! I love being active again. It felt exquisite to move and bend and stretch my body. To feel the rhythms and beats pouring through my soul. It's good to be home. 

Curvily Yours: Latest Dr Appt

I got CLEARED!!! Much to the chagrin of family and friends. I think that the only person as excited about the fact as I am is Mr Mine.

I had my final MRI on Feb 20. I was happy that it was not nearly as grueling as the first one that I had back in July of last year. I was in and out within an hour. I even got street parking so I didn't have to pay. On Feb 22, I went in and met with Dr. Perri to go over my results. To make doubly sure they even took another set of x-rays that day. The words " you should have no problems going forward" were music to my ears. I don't think that the ordeal is absolutely completely behind me. My back is still not as flexible as it used to be which is something that is hard to get used to. I am hoping that once I am back to taking my classes regularly a lot of that flexibility will return. I'll keep you posted!

Wooohoooo! Free at last!

Curvily Yours: Secret Class

I took a secret dance class the other day. Just to see how my body would take it. The result? My body felt fantastic. My back groaned a little through all of the stretching but has felt absolutely fabulous since class. My biggest complaint once I stopped PT was that my back was always tight. It's amazing how much one class loosened me up. Ok, well MOST of my body felt fantastic after class. There was a little bit of a groin strain incident. But that was my own fault for just not acknowledging mentally how inflexible I have become. Thou shalt not try dropping into a split from a standing position if one has not done the splits in over 9 months.

So I survived class with flying colors. I mostly just warmed up and danced. No pole tricks at this time. I'm not planning on pushing my luck. I have an MRI scheduled for next wednesday to officially clear me ( I hope) to start taking classes again.  I know that my family is going to throw a fit about this, and I don't blame them. But I want to dance, need to dance and if I can completely bounce back from this injury I am damn well going to do it. It makes me happy and it keeps me fit both mentally and physically.

How do I know that my family is going to throw a fit? Well because they have already made their position quite clear on the issue of me being back to playing soccer. Yes soccer, I know I am probably crazy, but I'm not ready to stop playing yet. Although I know there will come a day when I decide, enough is enough when it comes to this sport. Dancing for the rest of my life is one thing, soccer, well, we'll see.

In the meantime I am enjoying the ability to move freely. To run and jump, to bend and twist all things that I definitely missed. 

Curvily Yours: Back Update Latest

October 29, 2012
I had my latest appt with Dr Perri and he declared that I should start weening myself completely off my brace. He also said that as long as I continued to heal that I should be back to my full activities in 3 months. I have to say that I did a mental happy dance when I heard those magic words. He also ok'd me to start physical therapy once I returned from my trip. Woohooo! The road to recovery is near. I'm looking forward to not having to wear my brace all the time while we are in London too. I will be so happy to no longer be a bionic woman. And I can tell that my posture has definitely improved already. I'd say things are finally starting to look up.

Here's a look at Oct vs July:

Broken Dependency

It hurts me when I tell people that I want to hang out with them and that my schedule is completely open and then they never contact me. Maybe I am trying to hang out with the wrong type of people. Maybe people just assume that I am busy or that by the time they have free time that I will have made other plans. Or maybe people just forget about me altogether.

At any rate, something has to change. I am depressed and lonely. I am so tired of being limited by this accident in my day to day life. There is so much I want to do and can't. I try to focus on the things that I can do, but I find myself completely unmotivated. Mired in a dark hole, despairing I lay in bed and read sometimes good books, but more often than not trashy romance novels. Which just seem to increase my feeling of loneliness.

This hasn't gotten better even though Mr Mine is now finally back on normal working hours. I was spending most of my free time with Mrs Bokeh for the past few weeks and the loneliness was subsiding, but now her niece has moved in with her and most contact with her has ceased. I know that it is family and that she is helping her get settled in, but I can't help feeling abandoned. I feel weak saying that. Admitting that I needed someone that much. I don't think of myself as a co-dependent person, but things like this just throw my dependency in my face. The reality that I am not ok being by myself, that I need help. I don't want to be miserable when I am alone. And sometimes I do enjoy it, crave it, need it even, but more often than not I am happier with a companion.

I know that in part this is why me getting a full time job would be good for me. Because I would be around people all day. I think I am just scared. Scared of failing. Scared that my design skills aren't good enough, that I don't know enough, that I am too much out of the loop, that I was never really in the loop to begin with, that my back won't be strong enough for a full day, that this is what my life is going to be like for the rest of my life, that I will always and forever be broken and incapable of doing the things that I have grown to love. Just yesterday after I had lunch with Mrs Verve I threw myself into an Anthropologie shopping frenzy trying on half the store. My back started to ache and I'm sure that all the bending over to put things on and take things off wasn't very good for it. It pained me the rest of the day and once I got home I knew that I needed to lie down and just not do anything for the rest of the night. All over a few hours of shopping. Even just sitting here and writing this my back has started to ache. How am I supposed to sit working for hours at a computer if my back starts aching after only half an hour? This is partially why I am still so far behind. Blogging even has become physically taxing and editing photos, well it seems that I can only manage a few images ( if that) a day. And that's only if I am laying in bed.

I don't want to be beaten by this, but it is so hard not to feel defeated. I know that "you only fail when you quit" but this seems to be something that I can't even "try" at. It's all about having patience and just trying NOT to do certain things. I waver constantly between determination and resignation. I have gained back 16 lbs since the accident and that weighs heavily on my heart. I was doing ok walking with Mrs Bokeh, but we just stopped doing it and I can't seem to motivate myself to do it alone. I know that it's really as easy as just walking out my front door. But I find most days even that seems like an extremely daunting task.

On top of this Mr Mine and I had been trying to start a family when this accident occurred. We had been putting it off for one reason or another for the past 6-8 months. Waiting for me to lose the weight and to get my cholesterol under control. Since I had lost almost 30 lbs we decided that we had waited long enough. We even went to the store and bought ovulation strips. Only a few weeks later this accident occurred and once again our endeavors have been put on hold. I don't talk about this with people because I have so many mixed feelings about it. But I think I am mainly on a low simmering anger. Angry that we finally had made the committment only to have it put off again. Angry that time will not stop and that I just keep getting older. Angry that I am unsure as to whether or not we can even have a kid. I seem to be afraid that I just won't be able to at all and now I feel like I will have to wait till next year to even try again. Another 6 months of worrying about something I cannot control. On top of everything else that I cannot control.

Being a bit of a control freak, it's no wonder I feel like I am going a bit mad. I know that things will get better it's just hard to stay positive all the time.  

Curvily Yours : Spine Update

My compression fracture is of the T-8 and the disc
herniation is the one between T-7/T-8 

Today I went in to see Dr Perri for my 8 week check-up. After waiting about 45 minutes in my room they came and took me for x-rays and then about 5 minutes after I got back in the room the doctor arrived. I'm assuming that Cedar Sinai in a teaching hospital because every time I go to see Dr Perri someone new is with him. After tapping along my spine and asking me a bunch of questions he looked at the x-rays and mainly spoke to his assistant explaining to his assistant of the day what he was seeing.

He said I am on the road to recovery but concluded the following things:

1. I am still not out of the "surgery woods" yet. He wants to see me back in another 4 weeks.

2. He wants me to start not wearing my brace for 2 hour intervals daily.

3. I am still not allowed to lift anything over 10lbs, nor am I allowed to do any sort of chore that involves bending over.

4. No Yoga, but I may continue walking and I may ride an actual bike. I don't see the latter of those actually occurring.

5. Mainly I should just be paying attention and if any pain arises then I should stop.

All those seem like reasonable conclusions. Assistant aside, today was the first visit where I didn't feel like Dr Perri was rushing to see another patient. He stayed and patiently answered my list of questions. Which was mainly about defining what I can and cannot do. When I asked him about physical therapy he said that it was a possibility that I might start after my next check-up. Which will be 4 weeks from today on October 19. All in all not a horrible visit, still no end in sight, but at least I know that things are moving in the right direction :) 

Careful What You Wish For

Friday, July 27, 2012

So I can remember lamenting 9 months ago about how bad my posture is and how it makes a lot of technical maneuvers difficult. Especially when it comes to yoga, pilates, and pole dancing. I can remember thinking that being forced to wear a brace to straighten my back would help fix many of the issues that were occuring. Fast forward to now, yes in the end I may get great posture out of this, but in the meantime wearing a brace, not so much fun.

I went in to see Dr Perri for my MRI results and he sent me directly over to Lerman & Son to get fitted for a back brace.

It's not all that pretty but I hope that it works. The alternative is getting back surgery and I am definitely not ready for that. I have to wonder if just by putting the thought out there, the cosmos made it happen.

Dedication Inspiration

So because I knew if I didn't go I would spend another lazy day entirely in bed I dragged my butt to the gym. Mr Mine has been trying to get me to go and I realize that once I am out of the house my productivity quadruples. So into the gym I went, not really expecting much. Initially we both started out on the exercise bikes for a warm-up. After about 3 miles I felt warm enough to launch into my one activity that I am allowed at the gym these days, walking. Since I had forgotten my earbuds and my phone was almost dead anyways I chose a machine that was in front of one of the big tvs so that I could at least watch and read while I worked.

The girl next to me was definitely running a marathon and sprinting for the finish line while doing it. I think she was actually working on her recovery times. While I was walking I watched her sprint for roughly 10 min intervals and then check her heart rate. She'd get off the machine and let it slow down and then get right back on and do it again. A bit intimidating and inspirational to watch. After She had done this about 4 times the woman with her, who was apparently her coach, came up and high-fived her. Telling her that it was her best run yet and that they were definitely on track for the following year's race. Not sure what that race was, but I was proud of this girl and I had no clue who she was. In fact, I opted to tell her just that as she was working through her cool down process. I could tell she was a little embarrassed by the attention, but she asked what had happened to my back. I told her I had broken it and that this (walking) was the only thing I was allowed to do. And she responded by saying, "yeah I have had a lot of injuries, you just need to stay focused on what you CAN do, instead of all the things that you can't." I thought that was pretty sage advice. So I stayed on the treadmill for an additional 10 minutes and felt pretty exhilarated when I got off. 400 cal burned, 5 miles traveled. I'd call that a successful first day at the gym :)

What a nice way to settle into the middle of my day. To keep the energy flowing, I finally drove to my dance studio and put myself officially on medical leave. Something I should have done months ago but hadn't managed to motivate myself. I was pleasently surprised to run into my pole teacher Ms Suavity while I was there. I adore this woman so seeing her was just like having an extra ray of sunshine in my day. 

Brain vs Body

Sorry I have yet to catch you up on all my adventures, but I have been feeling a bit down and sorry for myself. Which makes it hard to motivate myself to write. Immobility and patience are two very hard things for me. It's tough to sit around and do nothing. I am not supposed to lift anything, I'm not supposed to vaccum, I'm always supposed to wear my brace unless I am sleeping or showering. So I like to lay in bed just so that I can take the brace off. But then I feel lazy.

We threw a Showerette for a dear friend yesterday and it was so hard to just stand around and let everyone else carry everything. I'm just not that person. I'm the person who actually enjoys helping other people move. I like testing my strength and working out my muscles. Two things which I can't really do right now. So I am learning about patience. And it's a very trying lesson to learn. I hate to admit it, but I sulk alot.

I know that going for walks is a good form of exercise. But I can't seem to motivate myself to go on them. I feel like I am playing tug-a-war with myself constantly. Brain vs Body, hopefully it will end with everyone being a winner. 

Ticking Claws

Depression has claws. And they seem to be stuck in me. I don't even really feel depressed. I more feel...compressed. Like agitated energy that wants to explode but has no way of doing it. No soccer, no dance, I can't even go into a cleaning frenzy. My hands are tied, or my back is rather. I feel as though I am a paraplegic even though I can walk. It's hard to follow rules when the pain is not a reminder. You see, I don't have pain except in certain positions. Which are only a small part of the things I have been told I cannot do. I feel anxious and angry. Stubborn, I want to go running, lift weights, do pull-ups and everything else that has been denied me these past few months. Five more weeks until I get to see the doctor. It makes me want to pull out all my hair in frustration.

Curvily Yours: The Results Are In

So first thing this morning I headed to Cedar Sinai for my MRI Follow-up appointment with Dr Perri. I had been preparing myself for bad news even though I am for the most part an optimist. So I wasn't caught completely off guard when he told me the results. I have a T8(Vertebrae) Compression Fracture compounded by a T7/T8 Herniated Disc that is pressing on my spinal cord. Which is what is causing the numbness in my lower limbs.

The course of action, I need to get a back brace made, and I am to wear it for the next six weeks. When Dr Perri was talking it sounded like he was going to see me every six weeks for awhile. Which makes me believe I still have quite a long road ahead. If we don't start seeing significant improvement in the compression then the next option sounds like it will be surgery. Apparently my fracture is still compressing, which means it is continuing to injure itself. They want to keep a very close eye on the lower limb symptoms as well. It all seems very scary, and a bit overwhelming.

I called Mr Mine as soon as I was out of the hospital to let him know the diagnosis and he pointed out at least now we know what is really going on. No more guessing. I agree with him, but it doesn't comfort me much. I have definitely done a number on myself this time. And when I think of all the things I have done over the past few months I can't help but wince. I asked the doctor what "should" have happened with this injury if the ER had discovered this when I had gone in. The only thing he told me is that they would have put me in a brace immediately. I hope the 2 month delay doesn't make any of this damage permanent. I still have a lot of questions that I need to ask him, but it looks like email will just have to do. I have never felt so rushed with a doctor in my life. I was still throwing questions at him as he was inching out the door.

I know that doctors are very busy these days since if they don't see a certain amount of patients a day they can't keep up with their overhead. But, it is really frustrating for a patient Mr Mine and I discussed that as well and are contemplating seeing someone else. Just because I need someone who has at least the time to make sure that all my concerns are addressed. My Ortho guy, Dr Millstein, is efficiently brisk, but I never feel like I am being rushed through and he always takes the time to answer any possible questions I may have. So maybe I can find another Spine Specialist who has fewer patients, and is In-Network. At least that would be ideal, we shall see.

Read about my accident here.

Curvily Yours: Oh How I've Missed the Bruises

So aside from a few muscle complaints and some adorable little bruises I don't seem much the worse for wear today. Woohoo! Yay for being able to do SOME form of exercise!

The fifteen minutes on the elliptical the other day actually seemed to be a lot rougher on me than my class. I find that odd. Or maybe it's because my class is mostly stretching but covers all muscle groups. I'll have to test that theory. I'm so excited to be able to take my classes again. 

Curvily Yours: Confessions

Ok, I admit it. I went to a pole class today for the first time since my accident. Did my doctor tell me it was ok? No, I just couldn't stand not going. And frankly, it felt fantastic. I've missed the movement, the freeing of muscles and limbs. There is just something about being able to feel each of your muscles interacting, engaging, stretching, pulling, pushing, that just makes you feel alive. That you are more than just breathe in a space. That we are not just here, just being. That we are meant to move, to do things. To become bigger and fuller. It is raw energy and release. And I love it, crave it. Cannot get enough of the feeling of power that comes over you. Power and strength coupled with vulnerability and trust. And it's not about anyone else, but you. You, and your body.

It was nice to feel reconnected. To be able to embrace my current limitations and move through some and around others. This injury has had me so detached from my body it has been extremely depressing. It was good to be home. It was great to see some of my girls as well. I have missed them and even though they have been texting and emailing. Hugs in person still just can't be replaced!

This song seemed very fitting for my first dance back...



My dance was delicious, it felt just like one gigantic stretch and yawn. Just what I needed today.

Curvily Yours: Wishes

I am happy to say that sometimes wishes come true. Feeling devastated on Tuesday after hearing my class was closing there were a flurry of emails, texts, and phone calls that went around rallying the troops to save our class. I couldn't tell you who initiated it, but after two days of the campaigning we suddenly had enough girls to keep our class open. Holy popsicles Batman, our class has been saved.

We're still going to be living in one of the smaller studios, but our instructor is determined to get us back into our main studio by the end of this upcoming session. Hurray!

Of course now that my wish has been fulfilled I am finding myself with a new dilemna. I'm not sure when I am going to be able to start back in classes, but when I do will I be able to feel safe in that smaller studio. Or will I completely freak out because that is where I fell...