It's been so long since I posted on here that I actually need to go back and check to see what the last thing I posted even was! I'm pretty sporadic at blogging, although I do write notes down about my days fairly regularly. So bear with me. There are a lot of memories that I wish to store here from over the last few months and they may come in a gush, a stream, or a pathetic drizzle. They may not even come in order. Sometimes it's just easier to post whatever is coming to mind in that moment before it flees back into the netherworld of chaos that is my memory. 

Curvily Yours 2.2

Today was our second day of movement training and I am definitely starting to feel it. Although playing 1.5 soccer games last night after a full day of movement may not have been the best idea. I did enjoy it though so no regrets. Today was emotional for a lot. For me I am just hoping moment to moment that my strength holds up. I kept myself motivated during the tricks that I was having trouble with by keeping in mind this is just a jumping off point. It's hard not to put ego into it thinking that well I have been here the longest surely I should be able to do everything perfectly by now.

I have to remind myself to not view the room in a masculine competitive way. But in a supportive everyone is amazing kind of way. 

curvily yours: week 1.3

Tough day three...I thought I had said all their was to say and then found out there was so much more that I cannot even begin to put words to.

Losing my shit. Falling into plain view going nowhere not coming full circle.

sigh, after such a rough day I have a headache the size of mount rushmoor and I just want the music to stop, want our company to go home. want to get out and into my head, my heart. pounding resistance between my eyes. when will I learn acceptance. of all that she is. I fell out of class tonight wrapped my arms around my EC best friend and sobbed. I don't think I have felt that miserable during class in a long long time. stuck and stagnant. nothing working. but following Ms Suave's guidance as i try to find my way into my body, my heart. do i live in sadness, i want to jump ahead and just figure it out. but i cannot think my way there. and these days i can't even put words to what I am actually feeling when I dance. Other than an unbearable tightness locked just at the bottom of my ribs. in my sternum almost. so much frustration in not being able to read into it. explain it.

i feel like she doesn't want to accept her limitations anymore than i do. find a way to be private while still being seen. allowing others to witness...

breathing deeply did not come easily or maybe even at all today. my dance was..lacking. Lacking in release mainly.

Curvily Yours: 1.2 My Tuesday.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck  fuck fuck.......deep well of emotion coiled into a snake of tension in my back and my chest and my head trying to comprehend and release but finding no channels no freeway to find my way home to there. that place where it all makes sense where nothing and anything can happen to. within. your body and dimension. That place where I can breathe deep and fall into a pit a of despair .Where I can be heard and seen. been.

Authenticity and real in my meal of deal and rhyming wheel. spiel. Connect. disconnect. run cry hide, find answers in the been and why.

Curvily Yours: The end of Day 1.1

Home at last, what a long day. It didn't seem long though. I think I was just hyper aware of actually being there today. It seems surreal that I am in Teacher Training at all.

To be here today is amazing to me on so many levels. Especially after last years utter disappointment. On top of the back injury, which I actually spoke to in class today. I seem to almost choke on emotion when talking about such things. In that first instant it totally overwhelms me and I find it hard to breath. I find my body racked with unexpected sobs. It makes me wonder where I keep all of that sadness. I suppose my teacher would say "in your curves".

Afterwards a girl asked me "why do you think you got choked up about it". I don't remember what I responded to her. But honestly, it was traumatic. The fall, the aftermath, the recovery. Wondering if I would ever get back to where I was. Coming into it from such a place of strength and final understanding and then losing it all. This mainly has been bringing up all of the walls that I am struggling with in my own journey.

Curvily Yours: First Day

Our secret society awaits. As I see the light reflected on my dash. I realize that my choice of outfit today is perfectly me. Comfy, casual, sporty, sparkly. 

This is real, it is not a dream. here's pride awareness tears journey is officially begin  and I am sparkling on the way there. on my way there with every breath galaxy of lights play across the visor, dash, and steering wheel of my car.

Curvily Yours: Prepping for Teacher Training

Over the past few days I have been hunting and gathering for all things necessary to start my new adventure tomorrow. I hit up target, victoria's secret, mika yogawear, and then target again.

On the docket...warm comfies, journals, and some workout wear.

I was just discussing tomorrow with one of my fellow trainees. I was saying how it kind of felt like the first day of school. Picking out your outfit for the day, getting your supplies together, feeling a bit nervous. And she stated how she felt a little like we were joining a sorority or a secret society.

It does feel a little like we are training to be in the insider's club. Learning all of the secrets.

I'm feeling just...I'm not sure how I am feeling. Excited, a bit nervous. A bit ambivalent. Maybe even a little disbelieving.

So much to tell....

I cannot even believe all that has happened in the last few months. Sorry I have been so absent but Mr Mine and I bought a condo! And Mrs Bokeh had her baby! So it's been a couple months of chaos, flurries of paperwork, inspections, moving trucks, and many many car trips back and forth. I am happy to say that we are finally completely moved in to our new home. Settled in? Not quite, but it is slowly getting done. I'm hoping just a few more weeks and everything will have found a home. I plan on bringing you the full story soon. Just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you!

all the best,
Jess

Change is in the Air

We've been juicing at least once a day since Monday. It's been nice. Since we have been buying all our veg well in advance its been easy to just pick a recipe and juice. So much quicker than cooking. Don't get me wrong we've still been eating regular meals for the rest of the day. But it's been refreshing to know we've been getting a good size of fresh veggies each day. We have both been sleeping alot better too.

Portrait Painting SMC: Class #6

Ok its official. I appear to currently be incapable of painting in the same style as my instructor and the rest of my class. When we were finished today my instructor cane up and said " you know you paint in a very stylized way right?" "Have you taken a lot of painting classes?". To which i responded yes, and no i havent had any painting classes since high school. She then asked me about college classes and i said no. Yes i went to an "art school" but we did more marker rendering or model painting. In fact the only "painting" class that I had in college was an airbrush painting class. So maybe its the marker rendering techniques I learned that are influencing my painting style.  Who knows? I wasn't very good at rendering. Mostly its my underdrawings that need work. Im not very good at perspective. I'm sad to say that this was my last class. But I am going to try to continue doing one painting per week at the least.

Initial canvas background treatment

Initial sketch of model

Start of underpainting

Final piece at the end of class.

Curvily Yours: Class #4

I just crawled into bed after getting home from class. Wide awake I lay listening to the steady breaths of my husband as he sleeps peacefully. And to the loud propellers of the helicopter that has been circling our area for the past 5 minutes. Which is completely at odds with his peaceful slumber. Not sure what is going on these days but this is the third night in a row that this has been occuring. I envy Mr Mine's ability to fall asleep through just about anything. I have to hand it to him nothing gets between the man and his sleep.

I visited another class tonight and even though there was a last minute teacher swap it was still a great class. There are certain teachers that my body responds really well to. Its a combination of music choice, voice, and energy. Ms Soulful, embodies all three in perfect harmony and is actually one of my favorite teachers. So it was a pleasant surprise that she was subbing tonight for Ms Songbird.

When my dance was over Ms Soulful asked me if being back in class was like riding a bike. I told her kind of, that it was more like riding a bike very cautiously. I had a feeling she didn't know or remember or possibly even realize that I was the student who had fallen and broken her back that fateful day in May. Not feeling like expounding on that I just let it drop. She told me that my dance hadn't looked cautious. And really it didn't feel cautious as much as accepting that I am still learning my bodies limitations. That I am trying exceptionally hard not to push too hard too fast.

Portrait Painting SMC: Class #5

I woke up today and was just a great big ball of whiney. Exhausted and not looking forward to the events of the day to come. First on the agenda was a tangle with our storage unit which you can read about here. Second was my fifth week of Portrait Painting. Even though I was tired I was partially looking forward to class after the positive results from last week. Unfortunately, class today was to be a bit of a disappointment to me.

I just can't seem to follow our instructors formula even when I try. Today we were really working hard on warm vs cold light. What I learned was that when you have warm light hitting your subject you get cool colored shadows. When you have cool light hitting your subject you end up with warm shadows. We had both types of light hitting our model so we were supposed to paint one side warm and the other cool. Again, the instructor took up the first hour of class demonstrating and explaining how we could make this happen. I think I started out ok, but towards the end my brain was mush and I think I just stopped caring about what color I was mixing as a warm or cold versus just getting my painting to at least look like the model. Sigh. Hopefully I will have better luck and more time with the assignment next week. Two hours really isn't long enough for me to sketch and paint someone.

Initial Sketch and "underpainting"

Final Painting at end of class.

Curvily Yours: Super Pole 1

Now that I am back in class I thought it would be good to start taken supplemental lower level classes to help build my strength. So I took a Super Pole class for levels 1-2. Where we would work on the most elementary of tricks. None of the flipping upside down stuff that has my family freaked out. It was an awesome workout. Although since there were two poles and only two of us attending the class my shoulder started wearing out towards the end. Good thing I had a four hour break between the Super Pole Class and my regular class...

I love working on pole tricks. It's like flying. It's like playing on the swings but on steroids because you are using your own strength to control your speed and height. 

Curvily Yours: Class #2

It really is strange being back in my "home" class and only knowing a few other people in it. Tonight was especially unnerving because the only girl I really knew was my old-time gal Ms Soarer. There were a few other girls that I had met recently. One being the girl who went through all my paperwork with me to sign back up for classes. The other, a girl who had been in the same teacher training tryouts as me.

I've been having a hard time reconnecting to class, maybe because my expectations and the reality of class are very different spaces. I remember someplace, warm, welcoming, and safe. But this new class hasn't lived up to that yet. With different girls in class each week it's hard to garner the support and camaraderie that I am not only used to, but expect to be there. I did enjoy our warm-up, but the pole conversations that we had felt one sided. And once again Ms Soarer was paired with me and another girl. I don't think this combo is working very well and I think I will have a chat with Mrs Suavity about it before class next week.

My personal dance this week was to Waiting for the End by Linkin Park.



It was interesting. Again, I could feel the frustration mounting throughout the song. There were moments when I broke free of it, but they felt fleeting. I think that it stemmed from having injured me ankle this past Sunday and feeling as though I can't trust my body. Not that it was actually my body's fault for once.

So many things to work out. Lots of mental merry-go-rounds pulsing through my head. I suppose to that end the lyrics of this song were fairly fitting.

This is not the end,This is not the beginning,Just a voice like a riotRocking every revisionBut you listen to the toneAnd the violent rhythm,Though the words sound steady,Something empty's within 'em,
We say "Yeah!"With fists flying up in the air,Like we're holding onto somethingThat's invisible there,'Cause we're living at the mercy ofThe pain and the fearUntil we dead it, forget it,Let it all disappear.
Waiting for the end to come...Wishing I had strength to stand...This is not what I had planned...It's out of my control....
Flying at the speed of lifeThoughts were spinning in my head.So many things were left unsaid.It's hard to let you go...
(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,I know how it feels to lie,All I wanna doIs trade this life for something new,Holding on to what I haven't got
Sitting in an empty roomTrying to forget the pastThis was never meant to last,I wish it wasn't so...
(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,I know how it feels to lie,All I wanna doIs trade this life for something newHolding on to what I haven't got!
What was left when the fire was gone?I thought I found right but that right was wrong.All caught up in the eye of the storm.I'm trying to figure out what it's like - moving on.And I don't even know what kind of things I've said,My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead.So picking up the pieces, now, where to begin?The hardest part of ending is starting all again.
All I wanna doIs trade this life for something new,Holding on to what i haven't got!..
This is not the end,This is not the beginning,Just a voice like a riotRocking every revisionBut you listen to the toneAnd the violet rhythm,Though the words sound steady,Something empty's within 'em(Holding on to what I haven't got!)
We say "Yeah!"With fists flying up in the air,Like we're holding onto somethingThat's invisible there,'Cause we're living at the mercy ofThe pain and the fearUntil we get it, forget it,Let it all disappear!(Holding on to what I haven't got!) 

Portrait Painting SMC: Class #4

Hurray! We finally got to take an entire class to sketch and paint the model. I'm still not quite getting the technique that my instructor is using but I was happy with the results from today's class.

The initial sketch

The end painting

Aww

I just watched a hummingbird take a bath outside my window. It was using the water droplets on my rosebush's leaves. So cute! Sometimes it's just the little things that make you smile. 

Curvily Yours: Class #1

That's right my friends, yours truly finally officially started back at her pole classes. It was a very interesting experience. Kind of like starting at a new school. My class still has a few of my girls in it. But there are a lot of new faces to get used to. New energies to figure out. One of the girls who is "new" to my class is one of my life long pole friends. She and I took classes together in the very beginning and all through the middle. Sadly Ms Soarer and I haven't been in the same class for probably about 4 years. Sure we have had run-ins over that time. A make-up class together here and there, chance meetings at our studios dance-a-thons. But it's different, and frankly we both dance completely different than we did 4 years ago. So the next few weeks will be a learning curve for me. Finding my place in the class. Meeting new ladies. On a happy note, my body is stronger than I thought it would be. I didn't do anything too crazy. But I can tell that the strength in my arms has returned as well.

For my dance I chose one of the studios suggested songs for the week "Underneath" by Adam Lambert. I wasn't sure with this being my first dance back, just how it would go. Would I love the song? Hate it? Would I be able to connect?



I'm happy to say that although initially I didn't really feel myself sinking into the song, eventually the annoyance and anger at the song built to a level that I was able to let it out. So it was unexpectedly a great dance for me. A bit all over the place and I felt like I had so much to say I wasn't even sure what to let out first! Fortunately, I don't do a whole lot of thinking while I dance, so most of that was subconscious. It was great to be back. I'm looking forward to my next class, but I might just wait until my regular class time next week to take it. Trying really hard not to push myself too fast. Not an easy feat since I just want to go, go, GO! I love being active again. It felt exquisite to move and bend and stretch my body. To feel the rhythms and beats pouring through my soul. It's good to be home. 

Curvily Yours: Latest Dr Appt

I got CLEARED!!! Much to the chagrin of family and friends. I think that the only person as excited about the fact as I am is Mr Mine.

I had my final MRI on Feb 20. I was happy that it was not nearly as grueling as the first one that I had back in July of last year. I was in and out within an hour. I even got street parking so I didn't have to pay. On Feb 22, I went in and met with Dr. Perri to go over my results. To make doubly sure they even took another set of x-rays that day. The words " you should have no problems going forward" were music to my ears. I don't think that the ordeal is absolutely completely behind me. My back is still not as flexible as it used to be which is something that is hard to get used to. I am hoping that once I am back to taking my classes regularly a lot of that flexibility will return. I'll keep you posted!

Wooohoooo! Free at last!

Portrait Painting SMC: Class #3

Phew, painting class is exhausting. I'm beat. Today instead of using the limited Zorn palette we added a bunch of additional colors.

Today's Palette.

New Palette Colors:

Raw Siena
Burnt Umber
Violet
Ultra Marine Blue
Veridian Green
Alizarian Red
Cadmium Yellow Light

I wish our classes were four hours long instead of three. That extra hour would really make all the difference. Every week I  feel rushed to try and finish my paintings. I think it's also a matter of I haven't done much sketching in the past few years so I'm pretty rusty too.

Figure drawing was never one of specialties but I am really enjoying this class. Even being rushed it is fantastic to just be painting every week. I still feel really far behind the rest of the people in class, but I am trying not to judge myself too harshly. Trying to accept where I am and just acknowledging that I have a long way to go.

Initial Sketch and "underpainting" start.

Final Painting end of class.

Final Painting by Instructor:

Not just the hair

For the past few weeks it seems as if everyone and their mother has commented on my haircut. Which by the way is the same haircut I have had since November. Only it grew out a bit and I just had it reshaped. 

No, no people, it's not just the haircut that you are reacting to. You're also reacting to the fact that I have lost 17.8 lbs since Martin Luther King Day. My face is thinner, I'm overall a lot leaner and THAT is why you currently are amazed at how awesome I look! Nope, definitely not just the haircut. 

But thanks for all the compliments just the same :) They really do make a girl's day!