Curvily Yours 2.2

Today was our second day of movement training and I am definitely starting to feel it. Although playing 1.5 soccer games last night after a full day of movement may not have been the best idea. I did enjoy it though so no regrets. Today was emotional for a lot. For me I am just hoping moment to moment that my strength holds up. I kept myself motivated during the tricks that I was having trouble with by keeping in mind this is just a jumping off point. It's hard not to put ego into it thinking that well I have been here the longest surely I should be able to do everything perfectly by now.

I have to remind myself to not view the room in a masculine competitive way. But in a supportive everyone is amazing kind of way. 

curvily yours: week 1.3

Tough day three...I thought I had said all their was to say and then found out there was so much more that I cannot even begin to put words to.

Losing my shit. Falling into plain view going nowhere not coming full circle.

sigh, after such a rough day I have a headache the size of mount rushmoor and I just want the music to stop, want our company to go home. want to get out and into my head, my heart. pounding resistance between my eyes. when will I learn acceptance. of all that she is. I fell out of class tonight wrapped my arms around my EC best friend and sobbed. I don't think I have felt that miserable during class in a long long time. stuck and stagnant. nothing working. but following Ms Suave's guidance as i try to find my way into my body, my heart. do i live in sadness, i want to jump ahead and just figure it out. but i cannot think my way there. and these days i can't even put words to what I am actually feeling when I dance. Other than an unbearable tightness locked just at the bottom of my ribs. in my sternum almost. so much frustration in not being able to read into it. explain it.

i feel like she doesn't want to accept her limitations anymore than i do. find a way to be private while still being seen. allowing others to witness...

breathing deeply did not come easily or maybe even at all today. my dance was..lacking. Lacking in release mainly.

Curvily Yours: 1.2 My Tuesday.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck  fuck fuck.......deep well of emotion coiled into a snake of tension in my back and my chest and my head trying to comprehend and release but finding no channels no freeway to find my way home to there. that place where it all makes sense where nothing and anything can happen to. within. your body and dimension. That place where I can breathe deep and fall into a pit a of despair .Where I can be heard and seen. been.

Authenticity and real in my meal of deal and rhyming wheel. spiel. Connect. disconnect. run cry hide, find answers in the been and why.

Curvily Yours: The end of Day 1.1

Home at last, what a long day. It didn't seem long though. I think I was just hyper aware of actually being there today. It seems surreal that I am in Teacher Training at all.

To be here today is amazing to me on so many levels. Especially after last years utter disappointment. On top of the back injury, which I actually spoke to in class today. I seem to almost choke on emotion when talking about such things. In that first instant it totally overwhelms me and I find it hard to breath. I find my body racked with unexpected sobs. It makes me wonder where I keep all of that sadness. I suppose my teacher would say "in your curves".

Afterwards a girl asked me "why do you think you got choked up about it". I don't remember what I responded to her. But honestly, it was traumatic. The fall, the aftermath, the recovery. Wondering if I would ever get back to where I was. Coming into it from such a place of strength and final understanding and then losing it all. This mainly has been bringing up all of the walls that I am struggling with in my own journey.