It hurts me when I tell people that I want to hang out with them and that my schedule is completely open and then they never contact me. Maybe I am trying to hang out with the wrong type of people. Maybe people just assume that I am busy or that by the time they have free time that I will have made other plans. Or maybe people just forget about me altogether.
At any rate, something has to change. I am depressed and lonely. I am so tired of being limited by this accident in my day to day life. There is so much I want to do and can't. I try to focus on the things that I can do, but I find myself completely unmotivated. Mired in a dark hole, despairing I lay in bed and read sometimes good books, but more often than not trashy romance novels. Which just seem to increase my feeling of loneliness.
This hasn't gotten better even though Mr Mine is now finally back on normal working hours. I was spending most of my free time with Mrs Bokeh for the past few weeks and the loneliness was subsiding, but now her niece has moved in with her and most contact with her has ceased. I know that it is family and that she is helping her get settled in, but I can't help feeling abandoned. I feel weak saying that. Admitting that I needed someone that much. I don't think of myself as a co-dependent person, but things like this just throw my dependency in my face. The reality that I am not ok being by myself, that I need help. I don't want to be miserable when I am alone. And sometimes I do enjoy it, crave it, need it even, but more often than not I am happier with a companion.
I know that in part this is why me getting a full time job would be good for me. Because I would be around people all day. I think I am just scared. Scared of failing. Scared that my design skills aren't good enough, that I don't know enough, that I am too much out of the loop, that I was never really in the loop to begin with, that my back won't be strong enough for a full day, that this is what my life is going to be like for the rest of my life, that I will always and forever be broken and incapable of doing the things that I have grown to love. Just yesterday after I had lunch with Mrs Verve I threw myself into an Anthropologie shopping frenzy trying on half the store. My back started to ache and I'm sure that all the bending over to put things on and take things off wasn't very good for it. It pained me the rest of the day and once I got home I knew that I needed to lie down and just not do anything for the rest of the night. All over a few hours of shopping. Even just sitting here and writing this my back has started to ache. How am I supposed to sit working for hours at a computer if my back starts aching after only half an hour? This is partially why I am still so far behind. Blogging even has become physically taxing and editing photos, well it seems that I can only manage a few images ( if that) a day. And that's only if I am laying in bed.
I don't want to be beaten by this, but it is so hard not to feel defeated. I know that "you only fail when you quit" but this seems to be something that I can't even "try" at. It's all about having patience and just trying NOT to do certain things. I waver constantly between determination and resignation. I have gained back 16 lbs since the accident and that weighs heavily on my heart. I was doing ok walking with Mrs Bokeh, but we just stopped doing it and I can't seem to motivate myself to do it alone. I know that it's really as easy as just walking out my front door. But I find most days even that seems like an extremely daunting task.
On top of this Mr Mine and I had been trying to start a family when this accident occurred. We had been putting it off for one reason or another for the past 6-8 months. Waiting for me to lose the weight and to get my cholesterol under control. Since I had lost almost 30 lbs we decided that we had waited long enough. We even went to the store and bought ovulation strips. Only a few weeks later this accident occurred and once again our endeavors have been put on hold. I don't talk about this with people because I have so many mixed feelings about it. But I think I am mainly on a low simmering anger. Angry that we finally had made the committment only to have it put off again. Angry that time will not stop and that I just keep getting older. Angry that I am unsure as to whether or not we can even have a kid. I seem to be afraid that I just won't be able to at all and now I feel like I will have to wait till next year to even try again. Another 6 months of worrying about something I cannot control. On top of everything else that I cannot control.
Being a bit of a control freak, it's no wonder I feel like I am going a bit mad. I know that things will get better it's just hard to stay positive all the time.
At any rate, something has to change. I am depressed and lonely. I am so tired of being limited by this accident in my day to day life. There is so much I want to do and can't. I try to focus on the things that I can do, but I find myself completely unmotivated. Mired in a dark hole, despairing I lay in bed and read sometimes good books, but more often than not trashy romance novels. Which just seem to increase my feeling of loneliness.
This hasn't gotten better even though Mr Mine is now finally back on normal working hours. I was spending most of my free time with Mrs Bokeh for the past few weeks and the loneliness was subsiding, but now her niece has moved in with her and most contact with her has ceased. I know that it is family and that she is helping her get settled in, but I can't help feeling abandoned. I feel weak saying that. Admitting that I needed someone that much. I don't think of myself as a co-dependent person, but things like this just throw my dependency in my face. The reality that I am not ok being by myself, that I need help. I don't want to be miserable when I am alone. And sometimes I do enjoy it, crave it, need it even, but more often than not I am happier with a companion.
I know that in part this is why me getting a full time job would be good for me. Because I would be around people all day. I think I am just scared. Scared of failing. Scared that my design skills aren't good enough, that I don't know enough, that I am too much out of the loop, that I was never really in the loop to begin with, that my back won't be strong enough for a full day, that this is what my life is going to be like for the rest of my life, that I will always and forever be broken and incapable of doing the things that I have grown to love. Just yesterday after I had lunch with Mrs Verve I threw myself into an Anthropologie shopping frenzy trying on half the store. My back started to ache and I'm sure that all the bending over to put things on and take things off wasn't very good for it. It pained me the rest of the day and once I got home I knew that I needed to lie down and just not do anything for the rest of the night. All over a few hours of shopping. Even just sitting here and writing this my back has started to ache. How am I supposed to sit working for hours at a computer if my back starts aching after only half an hour? This is partially why I am still so far behind. Blogging even has become physically taxing and editing photos, well it seems that I can only manage a few images ( if that) a day. And that's only if I am laying in bed.
I don't want to be beaten by this, but it is so hard not to feel defeated. I know that "you only fail when you quit" but this seems to be something that I can't even "try" at. It's all about having patience and just trying NOT to do certain things. I waver constantly between determination and resignation. I have gained back 16 lbs since the accident and that weighs heavily on my heart. I was doing ok walking with Mrs Bokeh, but we just stopped doing it and I can't seem to motivate myself to do it alone. I know that it's really as easy as just walking out my front door. But I find most days even that seems like an extremely daunting task.
On top of this Mr Mine and I had been trying to start a family when this accident occurred. We had been putting it off for one reason or another for the past 6-8 months. Waiting for me to lose the weight and to get my cholesterol under control. Since I had lost almost 30 lbs we decided that we had waited long enough. We even went to the store and bought ovulation strips. Only a few weeks later this accident occurred and once again our endeavors have been put on hold. I don't talk about this with people because I have so many mixed feelings about it. But I think I am mainly on a low simmering anger. Angry that we finally had made the committment only to have it put off again. Angry that time will not stop and that I just keep getting older. Angry that I am unsure as to whether or not we can even have a kid. I seem to be afraid that I just won't be able to at all and now I feel like I will have to wait till next year to even try again. Another 6 months of worrying about something I cannot control. On top of everything else that I cannot control.
Being a bit of a control freak, it's no wonder I feel like I am going a bit mad. I know that things will get better it's just hard to stay positive all the time.
:( I LOVE YOU. This must have been hard for you but I bet it is also a relief to get it off your chest. Next week we can start to play more.
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